Eight Shameful Acts in Eight Weeks of Quarantine… but I’m not Sorry!
When the COVID pandemic forced Texans to remain isolated indoors, I opted to view the situation as a unique opportunity to spend more time at home with family rather than panic. Foolishly, I thought I would be able to complete a multitude of projects and tasks around the house while successfully rearing a toddler and infant. However, I failed to anticipate the unique stresses and pressures this pandemic would have on my ability to maintain a household, raise a family and still work full-time. Below are examples of several of my short-comings and failures over the past 8 weeks. These are things I would normally be embarrassed or ashamed by, yet feel are forgivable during these trying times.
1. I have hidden rolls and regulated the use of toilet paper. Let me preface this by saying there has never been a shortage of toilet paper in my house. I am an avid Costco shopper and had purchased my usual bulk supply of Charmin weeks before the outbreak. However, when irrational people induce a toilet paper crisis, it is easy to fall prey to the hysterics. So, when each of my children destroyed a roll of toilet paper during the first week of quarantine, I was forced to tighten control on our not so limited supply. Jameson has always had a knack for seeking out and destroying anything within his line of vision. Although he had never shown an interest in toilet paper previously, on this particular day, he decided to try to mummify himself with a roll. Due to his voracious drooling habit, he wound up reducing the delicate paper to a pile of soggy squares that hung limply from his body. Sadly, the roll was not salvageable. Later that same day, Gracie handed me an entire unrolled roll of toilet paper in a failed attempt to assist me while changing a particularly repulsive diaper on her baby brother. I was too distracted by the bomb that had just exploded from such a tiny orifice to realize what she had done before it was too late. Que the slow motion, over dramatized “Nooooooooooooooo” and the strongly worded lecture on how toilet paper is not a toy. To rectify (pun intended) the situation, toilet paper rolls were removed from all dispensers, and are now hidden in upper cabinets, out of the grasp of tiny wasteful fingers. In addition, Gracie has been limited to a single square during each potty-training attempt. That privilege gets flushed down the drain the moment I feel she is abusing her rations.
2. I have given up entirely on limiting screen time. Over the weeks, I have lost my creative edge on finding ways to entertain the children away from a television or ipad screen. Activities outdoors in Texas quickly become limited when the temperatures climb into the 90s. Thus, we have resorted to Zoom for music class, YouTube for yoga and a lot of Facetime calls with distant relatives. This would all be acceptable if I did not couple those screen time activities with watching the movie Moana on repeat. At one particular low point during the quarantine, I resorted to playing Moana twice in a single day. You’re Welcome, Gracie.
3. I lied about the availability of Sesame Street. In truth, I probably fueled the Moana obsession when I told a little fib about Elmo also being under quarantine. I would imagine for most caretakers, there comes a point where that little red monster grates on your last nerve. For me, I despise how he uses third person babytalk to speak. How toddlers understand him is a mystery. So, in a moment of desperation, I may have exaggerated the truth by stating Elmo was unavailable during the pandemic because film crews could not assure safe social distancing in Elmo’s World.
4. My toddler spends prolonged periods of the day not wearing any pants. I would love to say that her nakedness south of the boarder is all due to her rigorous potty training… but that would be a lie. I think the girl just likes to feel a breeze down there. Its disturbing to admit that her bare bottom has touched most of our upholstery at some point over the past eight weeks. However, I feel a bit hypocritical for correcting this behavior when I myself have gone multiple days in a row without wearing a bra during this period of isolation.
5. I ration food like we are in the midst of a second Great Depression. Going to the grocery store is a giant stressful hassle. Since implementing wearing face masks in public, everyone ignores social distancing. The tactics grocery stores are using for disinfection are questionable at best. Plus, humanity is at its worst in the grocery store with people threatening violence over toilet paper and riots over meat. I have never been more ecstatic to subscribe to a home meal delivery service (shameless plug for home chef https//www.homechef.com/invite/7RWedkcn6bv0v). In order to spread out trips to the grocery store, I have found some creative uses for leftovers and almost no food goes to waste. Take a banana as an example… the toddler takes two bites at breakfast, then half gets smashed into oatmeal for the baby and anything leftover beyond that goes into my smoothie. Fruit and veggies starting to soften and wilt get steamed and pureed into some interesting baby food combinations. I’ve yelled when plates of food have been cleared into the disposal and gotten hysterical over careless use of condiments.
6. I’ve spent hours at a time in Target and consider this an “outing”. Target stores in my area have done a wonderful job trying to maintain disinfecting and safety protocols for customers. They are also less crowded than grocery stores making it easier to maintain a social distance. Plus, with the variety of goods they carry, you can move from department to department and pretend you’re actually out and about, running errands, like back in the day. I mean where else can you read the back covers of the New York Times Bestseller List, while simultaneously purchasing patio furniture and your groceries for the week?
7. I’ve used alcohol to cope with a variety of emotions during this time of uncertainty. These emotions include joy, boredom, sadness, boredom, frustration, boredom, stress and of course, boredom. You name an emotion, and I bet I could find a reason to raise a glass of red (or white, or rose) as a toast.
8. My children have been in daycare throughout the pandemic. Before you judge me, it is important to note veterinarians’ have been declared essential employees during the pandemic. Daycare has allowed me to be able to continue to work full-time during the quarantine, addressing emergent and urgent surgical veterinary cases. With daycare’s enrollment limited to children of essential employees, attendance is about 1/10th of normal. With all this one-on-one attention, I have utilized this unique opportunity to my advantage by having daycare focus on helping me potty train my toddler. Ok, now you can judge me.
